No matter where you go, what golf course you play, or who you ask, there’s always someone within earshot who’s ready, willing, and able to give you some “great” advice on how to play better golf.
Enough with the golf tips, here are the twenty laws of golf. Please feel free to amend as you deem appropriate.
20 Laws of Golfing
Golf Law No. 1:
No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have inner peace knowing that a lousier one is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
Golf Law No. 2:
Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
Golf Law No. 3:
Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be partly made with this most unusual natural alloy.
Golf Law No. 4:
Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
Golf Law No. 5:
No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant, “You looked up,” or invoke the wrath of the universe.
Golf Law No. 6:
The higher a golfer’s handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor. Funny how this law applies to men who have no sex and advise on picking up women.
Golf Law No. 7:
Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire. Funny how this law applies to women.
Golf Law No. 8:
Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
Golf Law No. 9:
Palm trees eat golf balls.
Golf Law No. 10:
Sand is alive. It will swallow your balls. Your wife won’t. You can’t collect on insurance on your wife. Deal with it.
Golf Law No. 11:
Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
Golf Law No. 12:
A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent — or some similar combination.
Golf Law No. 13:
All 3-woods are demon-possessed. Your mother-in-law, does not come close.
Golf Law No. 14:
Golf balls from the same “sleeve” tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
Golf Law No. 15:
A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
Golf Law No. 16:
“Nice lag” can usually be translated to “lousy putt.” Similarly, “tough break” can usually be translated “way to miss an easy one, asshole.”
Golf Law No. 17:
The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
Golf Law No. 18:
The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
Golf Law No. 19:
Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
Golf Law No. 20:
All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.