67 Reasons Jack Bauer is a Man’s Man

Jack BauerismsWhat makes the FOX TV show 24 such a hit? Easy. Jack Bauer. Because if it wasn’t a hit TV Series, Jack Bauer would hunt down and bring to justice anyone who said other-wise.

So how tough is he? Here’s 67 reasons why Jack Bauer is the man of all TV men.

Jack Bauerisms

  1. Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
  2. Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.
  3. Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
  4. Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
  5. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.
  6. If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.
  7. When Russell Crowe threw a phone at that guy, Jack Bauer was on the other line.
  8. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
  9. Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is what he gets when he’s knocked out or temporarily killed.
  10. Jack Bauer would have gotten the ring to Mordor in 24 hours.
  11. While being “put under” in the hospital, Jack Bauer can count backwards from 100 every time. This annoys the doctors.
  12. Jack Bauer can sneeze with his eyes open.
  13. Jack Bauer knows what you did last summer.
  14. Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
  15. Season 5 of 24 was supposed to be Jack Bauer fighting Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel. This idea was abandoned when Jack defeated them and nothing else could be found to fill the other 23 hours and 59 minutes.
  16. Don’t ask what Jack Bauer would do for a Klondike bar…
  17. Guns don’t kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.
  18. Every-time Jack Bauer yells “NOW!” at the end of a sentence, a terrorist dies.
  19. God created the universe in 6 days. Thats 5 days 23 hours and 59 minutes longer than it took Jack Bauer to create God.
  20. Jack Bauer literally died for his country, and lived to tell about it.
  21. If Jack Bauer asks for your car, give it to him. And your wife.
  22. If you get 7 stars on your wanted level on Grand Theft Auto, Jack Bauer comes after you. You don’t want to get 7 stars.
  23. Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn’t want to.
  24. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
  25. Instead of buzzing, Jack Bauer’s alarm clock screams out “THERE ISN’T ANYMORE TIME!”
  26. As a child, Jack Bauer’s first words were “There’s no time!”
  27. Jack Bauer doesn’t have a mother. As an impatient sperm, he shot out of his father and flew around looking for an egg to fertilize. He was unable to find an egg, and ended up running into a bullet, which he fertilized instead.
  28. Jack Bauer named his cat ‘Chuck Norris.’ Why? Because He’s a pussy.
  29. Jack Bauer does not care for names. Every entry in his address book is simply labeled “Son of a Bitch.”
  30. Many people don’t realize that “Bauer” is a name of Norwegian descent. It translates loosely to “WE’RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME!!!”
  31. Jack Bauer once beat Super Mario Bros. 3 without touching the controller. He just stared at the TV until the game beat itself.
  32. When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
  33. If you spell Jack Bauer in a Scrabble game, you win. Forever.
  34. Jack Bauer won the Tour de France on a unicycle to prove to Lance Armstrong it wasn’t a big deal. He thinks yellow wristbands are lame.
  35. Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
  36. Osama Bin Laden’s recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
  37. Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
  38. When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
  39. Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
  40. Jack Bauer once ate an entire case of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
  41. What color is Jack Bauer’s blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.
  42. Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
  43. Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better effin’ do it.
  44. When Google can’t find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
  45. Jack Bauer can get McDonald’s breakfast after 10:30.
  46. In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.
  47. When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.
  48. Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he’s done it twice.
  49. It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.
  50. Jack Bauer once killed a group of Samurai Warriors with only a ball point pen. This lead to the phrase “The pen is mightier than the sword.”
  51. People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.
  52. Jack Bauer has been to Mars. That’s why there’s no life on Mars.
  53. Superman’s only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
  54. If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.
  55. Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.
  56. Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodge-ball.
  57. If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
  58. Jack Bauer rents videos and never rewinds them, ever.
  59. Strippers tip Jack Bauer.
  60. If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer’s seat, she’d move to the back of the bus.
  61. You walk into a bar and Jack Bauer’s your wing-man, you’re gonna get laid.
  62. ESPN rated Kobe Bryant for Vlade Divac as the second worst trade in history, after Jack Bauer for Behrooz Araz.
  63. Jack Bauer makes onions cry.
  64. If Jack was in a room with Stalin, Hitler and Nina and had two bullets, he would shoot Nina twice.
  65. Jack and Jill went up the hill. Only Jack came down, Jill was an effin’ terrorist.
  66. Jack Bauer and Superman once had an arm wrestling match; the loser had to wear their underwear on the outside.
  67. It took God 7 days to create the world and everything in it. Jack Bauer once destroyed the world in 24 hours..
    …Then rebuilt it in 3 days. He rested on the third day.
  68. Read Jack Bauerism number 68

Jack Bauer DVD Evidence

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